X-RATED REFERRAL

I wrote this awhile ago so it maybe needs an edit or two, but here is story of when I got a referral in fourth grade because the teacher caught me looking at nudie photos #mybad?

I don’t know which faculty member thought it would be a good idea to let 10-year-olds bring their own tablets to school, but this is on them. 

When I try to bring myself back to that tragic day, I see a lot of blue. The walls of the classroom were a deep sky blue and there were circle tables set up throughout the room with navy blue seats. There was a rectangular table near the back right in the center, this was where a small assisted reading group was. Most crucially, there was a little bean bag area set up towards the front of the classroom by the door that entered the room.

The regular teacher was absent that day so the substitute teacher allowed us to use our tablets to read.

Since I was 10 with no money, all of the books on my iPad were whatever I could find that was free on the iBook store or whatever had rolled over from my family iCloud account. 

So, Rebecca, my friend at the time, and I sat on the beanbags and started exploring my iPad literature. Between the volumes of Guinness Book of World Records and Nature Short Stories for Kids, lay 101 Adult Jokes. This humorous piece of digitized media had a red cover with stick people on it. To this day, nearly a decade later, I see it so very clearly in my brain. 

After some back and forth, Rebecca and I decided that this joke book would fill up our reading hour. We pulled it open and read through probably all one-hundred-one of those adult jokes. Of course, some were funnier than others to us, the jokes that made us laugh out loud were what started the substitute gaining suspicion of us. We got several verbal warnings which we ignored because the jokes were just too funny and then we reached the end of the book. 

The final pages greeted us with advertisements for other works by other authors, works meant for someone's coffee table, and they all just so happen to be dedicated to nude photography.

I can’t remember if it was the silhouette of asses that made us cackle or the final joke in the book (it was the naked people) but the giggles we let out were the substitute's last straw. Before I knew it, Rebecca bailed on me and a blonde middle-aged woman stood over my shoulder as I scrambled to switch to a different book. The fingers of my soft hands weren’t quite nimble enough though and I was caught looking at visuals that 10-year-olds aren't supposed to be looking at. I think she even hit me with a, “Nope, I saw that!”

Some praise should’ve been given to age 10 Melina, because I looked straight into that woman's blue eyes and lied to her fucking face. I did not want her knobby hands to place a single fingertip on my pink Otterbox case, so I was going to do what I had to do; I pleaded innocent and laid it on thick. I went on about how I didn’t know that those pictures were going to be there (which was true) and I tried to push some of the blame onto Rebecca, saying that she’s the one who found the book and wanted to look at the pictures. However, that heartless faux-teacher wasn’t having any of it and took me into the back office. She insisted I give her the password to my iPad and I refused. I nonchalantly responded with an, “I don’t know.” Once again, she wasn't having it. 

I have a vivid memory of standing by the door in one of those narrow offices that connected two classrooms together and thinking, “I’m going to tell her it changes every 10 minutes.” I quickly realized that then it would literally be impossible for me to access my iPad because then how would I know the password to get in… 

Eventually, she pried the password from my reluctant lips and confiscated my iPad mini. I didn’t even care that I was in trouble as much as I was stressed about potentially not getting my property back. I had unedited YouTube videos that I filmed in PhotoBooth on there, that content was worth more than gold itself for me.

The day goes on, I start giving less and less of a fuck that some rando blonde lady thought I was spending my independent reading time looking at tits, and soon enough it was time for P.E. class. Mid- basketball practice shots, I got called up to the office and they put me in this closet of a room that had barely enough space for a table and two chairs (I think this room was also painted blue). I sat down on the chair to the right side and was face to face with the vice principal. 

When it comes to this woman, she actually has an intensive role in my (love) life in a very indirect way but thats another lore drop for another time. I recently learned that I am not the only one within my community who considers her an enemy and it brought me great pleasure.

Anyways, the vice principal and her pixie cut (bob, whatever) proceeded to rip into my 10-year-old ass over this offense I apparently made. Her balayaged ass tells me she went through my entire iPad. I’m talking photos, I’m talking apps, I’m talking the rest of my little digital library. She probably was so bored and on such a power trip that she went through my settings just because she could. 

Oh, this has my blood boiling just typing this!

She then accuses me, me, ME! She accuses me of reading 50 fucking Shades of Grey because it was something my mom read (sorry Ellen, I’m not trying to out you here) and was synced to my iPad through iCloud. I don’t even know if at this point in my educational career, I knew what a fraction was and she was out here thinking I was reading about a masochist getting whipped while in doggy with handcuffs on. 

I unfortunately did have to throw my mom under the bus for the presence of that title in my library and this woman responded with, “Yeah, I thought so.”

…

Pardon me. Did you think so? After you just got on my case about age-appropriate books, now you're calling my mother a whore? Jesus Christ… I know that the Vice Principal read those books and she was pretending to be all saintly by projecting her fear of being outed as a smut reader.

Do not bring Ellen into this. Do you want to beef with a 10-year-old? Sure. Whatever. If you need an easy target, go for it, but my mother spends her free time as she wishes, so keep her out of it.

As this conversation went on, she told me my iPad privileges were revoked and I was getting a referral for misconduct or whatever the fuck. I started sobbing as the realization I wouldn’t be strapped with my iPad 24/7 dawned on me. I signed the piece of paper and she looked at me with this condescending smile as she made me go back to P.E. class. 

Head hung low, I ignored her and went to the bathroom to pull myself together. That was more towards the end of the day so I’m sure I got my shit and left school. Alexia and my mom picked me up that day and the school had already notified my mom of my sins but the only thing she asked me was, “Did you get your iPad back?”

This story is one of those that I immediately thought of when I realized I wanted to document my life in blog form. I’m not sure why I always thought this story was so hilarious to me. I used to think that if I ever did stand-up comedy this would be my go-to story *shrugs*. To this day I am still curious to know if that referral ever made it to my academic record or not. Growing up with everyone knowing everything about everyone meant that there was some speculation amongst the small group of students who knew this happened to me and I heard that technically substitute teachers couldn’t even give referrals to students, but who knows?

I’m innocent.